The Girl Scout Cookie Battle: A Dr. Seuss Parody

Before we begin, some caution is needed

I ask you make sure that this warning is heeded

The tale I recite is one of anger and loss

And that saving five dollars is not worth the cost

Of happiness and joy that you surely will lose

If these events should happen to you

The story begins in a far-off world

In a land inhabited by scouting girls

A land to the south, known as Kroger by most

Surrounded by asphalt and a heinous host

For it is there that they wait, with a table to ensnare

Any lone traveler that is passing by there

They wait there smiling, a facade of innocence,

But of their virtuous nature I remain unconvinced

Standing by the door, the girls block all passage

They needed be stopped from selling cookie package

I decided that action had to be taken

I thought it’d be easy… I was mistaken

I charged the Kroger on a Tuesday at dawn

And to my surprise the children had gone

“What is this deception? Some spell or a trap?

They were here just yesterday, why aren’t they back?”

Were they defeated, did they give up, or retreat?

But the girl scouts, of course, are not so easily beat

I stood in their absence, in lot made to park

When inside of my brain, was struck a small spark

“Oh, of course, I’m an idiot, I’ve been such a fool

The girl scouts aren’t gone, they’re merely in school!”

I attacked hours later, when the clock, it struck five

They came to sell cookies, I came to take lives

“Would you like some Thin Mints?”, they struck the first blow

And it gave me great joy to yell at them “No!”

“Be gone little girls, with your boxes of snack”

But the girls, undeterred, quickly snapped back

“How ‘bout some Tagalongs or a few Do-si-dos?

Or the Samoas, you’ll surely like those!”

“I think I will not!” I speedily shot back

I caught them off guard with that parried attack

“I don’t want your cookies, not even a bite”

But the scouts were not ready to give up the fight

“Would you like shortbread? It’s an old classic.”

“I wouldn’t eat that if my starvation was drastic!”

“Buy the S’mores!” they chanted, “five bucks is the price!”

“Buy the S’mores, and don’t make us ask twice.”

They came from the table, with an army’s formation

I fear that I may have misjudged the situation

“No, no…get back” I screeched, and I cursed

As they tried to engage me in cookie commerce

They kept getting closer, their diction was stern

They had chosen a path, and none would return

Approaching in anger, with rage in their eyes

They volleyed their cookies, pastries rained from the skies

Their ammo was plentiful, and their aim was precise

Then they loaded the cookies into a throwing devise

A catapult erected in Kroger’s parking lot

Prepared for the battle, I assuredly was not

I made quick retreat, though battle not done

I needed to think, so I started to run

I ran out of sight, hid behind a small tree

As their catapult launched lemonades at me

Their power was great, their tactics impressive

I didn’t think they’d be so aggressive

The girl scouts were stronger than originally believed

I would need a new strategy, if I would succeed

I looked at their defenses, reviewed them with care

“There must be a weakness! The problem is where.”

The fortress was strong, it stored cookie by bow

I would have an easier time, getting into Fort Knox

It is then that I saw it, a very small crack

With their weakness discovered I planned my attack

The guard was impeccable on front, back, and right

But their left flank wasn’t protected nearly as tight

I charged at the scouts, I dodged, and I weaved

If they thought it was over, they were deceived

I approached their cookie table, fists in the air

To deal a great blow to their pastry lair

I broke down barriers and the fighting commenced

They were not ready for me to break their defense

I toppled their tables, boxes fell to the ground

I beat on the boxes with a powerful pound

I felt like an army, an army of one

And they could not stop me, no, not a one

I grew a bit cocky, my movement was errant

I think that might have struck a mad parent

It is hard to remember in that mental state

I just knew there were cookies that should not be ate

My anger was growing, by cookies enraged

The girl scouts retreated; I had grown so deranged

There was nothing but fanfare and war in my mind

I could hear the cymbals clashing and the marching kept time

Blowing the trumpets and banging war drums

I destroyed the girl’s cookies until they were crumbs

“Now that they’ve gone, and the cookies are dust

I enact my final blow for I fear that I must”

And then I set forth with quite little hesitation

To commence forth with the confection incineration

From my front pocket, I produced a lone match

And burned all the cookies; burned the whole batch

The air was filled with aromas so sweet

That can only be smelled when your mission’s complete

The fire was grand, went up to the stars

The light was so bright you could see it from Mars

The blaze, it burned high, and the battle was won

But then I thought, “What have I done?”

When the battle had finished, the smoke settled quick

But the view of the Kroger was making me sick

I saw heartache and pain, tears streamed from their eyes

It was not my intention to make girls scouts cry

I simply wanted to shop without buying confection

I didn’t know it would head in destructive direction

As I looked all around, I felt myself weep

For the agony and the violence my actions did reap

“All this bloodshed and violence, what was it for?

There’s so much pain the world, why add more?”

Then, all of a sudden, a strange action occurred

An action that made feel the least of matured

A girl scout approached, a lone box in her hand

I was taken aback, I did not understand

She said “Here is some cookies, this one is free.

It’s a gift to make friends of a sad enemy”

I thanked her for the cookies, and she ran back

All of this violence, and then… a stranger’s kind act

I stood there a while; I pondered and thought

Of girl scouts and cookies and the Hell that was wrought

The fighting was over, but life would proceed

And maybe some kindness is what this world needs